The thing about coming out of a childhood-long clinical depression is that you have no real baseline for what 'normal' feels like. Every small dip feels like a slippery slide all the way back down to the bottom. The truth is that people are just sad sometimes! But growing up depressed, I guess you don't really learn how to cope with it 'normally'. Sometimes it feels like learned helplessness. It always just felt like I was just cannonballing through the terrible times until I could get to the other side. I still feel that way, because otherwise I'm just overwhelmed by it all and can't act at all. I think the main factors this time around are all the physical changes happening at the same time, and the fact that winter is settling in for real doesn't help either. I'm off meds for the first time in about 4 years. I guess I didn't realise how much it really affected how I process emotions and stress.
I had a dream that someone showed me a tarot card. An ace of swords, right side up. It sounds about right, seeing as I'm starting a new job soon. It's hard not to fall back on the cannonball method.
Yours,
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There was a long, long entry that would have gone here. More or less it amounted to some griping over what this journal would actually involve, given a decade's worth of immersion in the extreme pace of modern social media, as well my keeping of an actual private journal. I was prepared for each entry to be a long, drawn-out thing, but that clearly wasn't working as I'd ended up putting off writing it till I couldn't be bothered. The TLDR is that I can put anything I want here! That's the whole point of the return to Web 1.0-esque sites like these: more control over what information you give out about yourself and less yourself as a product.
Still not too sure what to do with this site. When I was much younger, I made a simple site to put all my pictures on, and probably gave it out a little too freely. Back then I didn't make a site with purpose, I just wanted one so I made one. That's not too different a situation as now, though the lack of purpose has proved more of a stumbling block than it once would have.
Yours,
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